Bitchfight: MTV Edtition

Apparantly, MTV is doing everything it can to try to avoid a confrontation between Cameron Diaz and Jessica Biel at the upcoming MTV Movie Awards. Cameron and Jessica are the former and current girlfriends of N'sync shithead Justin Timberlake, the douchebag who seriously thinks he "brought sexy back".

MTV is worried that if the two losers ladies meet on the red carpet, there could be an eye scratching, hair pulling, "he's my man" style bitchfight.

In my humble opinion, MTV should use this lame drama to bring even more attention to their stupid awards show and arrange it so that these two ditz's end up on stage together "by accident". MTV staff could be planted to egg both of them on, and before you know it we would be sitting back enjoying a pathetic, but wild and super funny girlfight. Not only would this send the Godzilla vs. Cross-eyed Bambi (Rosie O'Donnell vs. Hasselback) feud to the back of the news line, it would become the youtube event of the year (well, the week. Ok, the day).

Oh while they're fighting, MTV should flash this picture on the big screen.

Oopsy Daisy

Miss USA does her best version of the self atomic drop at the Miss Universe Pageant in Mexico.

Humour, H20 style

This one from my friend H20. Enjoy!

Jim was in BIG trouble.

He forgot his 20th wedding anniversary. Needless to say, his wife was really angry and threw him out. She told him "tomorrow morning, I expect to see something in the driveway that goes from 0-250 in 6 seconds and IT BETTER BE THERE if you want to be allowed back!!"

The next morning when his wife woke up, she looked out the window. Sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Jim has been missing since Friday.

Mary Kate Olsen Scares Me

Mary Kate Olsen took time out from scaring the children signing autographs for her Full House fan base to promote her addition to the cast of Showtime's popular dark comedy, Weeds.

Now, I'm not saying that Mary Kate isn't a great actress (actually I am) but the real magic here will be in the editing department, where editors will have to somehow manage to split-second splice the footage between when she gets the 'munchies', and when she runs off right afterwards to puke.

New Laws: Cat Fight Edition

Tv show The View has to change its name to "Rosie O'Donnell Makes Elisabeth Hasselbeck Cry"

Click here for their latest on air scrap

Also, Barbara Walters must punch Elisabeth in the face with her frail old lady fist every time she utters the words 'support our troops' and Jesus in the same sentence.

* * *

Avril Lavigne and Hilary Duff have to start a girl band called Bitchfight.

Wherever they play, Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton show up drunk and start hitting on Avril's and Hilary's boyfriends in plain view of the band during the concert. It could be called the "Oh No You Di'int Tour" and aired live on pay per view for $75 per show. Somebody get Don King on the line, I think we have a winner here... :)

Correction - THIS is the craziest headline ever

Man sleeps through gunshot to the head

Craziest News Headline Ever

Cyclist OK after delivery truck runs over head

New Laws (Hollywood Edition)

1. Elijah Wood has to be a hobbit in every movie he makes for the rest of his life.

2. Keannu Reeves has to do at least one scene per movie as Ted from Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure.

3. Penelope Cruz and Salma Hayek have to appear together in a new movie at least once per month, where they make out for at least 5 minutes.

4. Samuel L. Jackson must star in every movie from here on in until he retires.

5. Ben Affleck must die within the first 5 minutes of every movie he ever makes. In every third movie, this death must come from a devastating boot to the groin area.

6. Steven Speilberg has to direct a Jurassic Park sequel every 2 years, minimum, and like it.

7. Superman must accidentally eat a bowl of Kryptonite soup and either develop an extreme case of irritable bowel syndrome, or grow massive breasts.

8. Hugh Jackman must legally change his name to Huge "Ass" Ackman, and also have plastic surgery to give him Wolverine sideburns forever.

9. Britney Spears must name her baby Shithead (the redneck equivalent of Apple) - credit to Bill Maher for this one

10. Morgan Freeman must always play God, or the President, or the President of the God.

11. Tom Hanks must act every movie like he's Forrest Gump, and must name his next child Lieutenant Dan.

12. No more commercials at the theatre. This will be replaced a 5 minute clip of Carmen Electra playfully running (in slow motion) in a gentle rain, wearing only white undergarments.

13. Zakk Wylde must be featured on every movie soundtrack from here to the end of time.

14. No more rappers in movies.

15. Bruce Willis must change the name of his final Die Hard film to "Die Hard: Die Already".

That's all for now. If you have any new laws you'd like to see in the movies, please let me know and I'll post 'em for ya.